Forever and a Day
by blueseacowboy
Summary: Lee does his best to help Harry through a dark time.


Forever and a Day

_This story was written in memory of Richard__Basehart __who would have been 100 years old on August 31,__2014 and takes place after the events in my story, "A Voice from the Shadows", found on _ _Seaviewstories and this site._

I almost missed posting this in time for Richard's birthday. Made it close but I made it.

Lee Crane, captain of the submarine _Seaview,_ stood inside the spacious kitchen of his best friend and commanding officer Admiral Harriman Nelson, watching the silent, grief-stricken form that stood on the deck of his house and stared out to sea with unseeing eyes. The sorrow that shrouded Nelson was a palpable thing and Lee longed to be able to help in some way. He'd searched, questioned, and asked others for help in reaching him. All had met with the same results as the man they knew refused to let go of the grief that permeated his whole being, blotting out all except the most vital projects or work.

Well aware of the reason for the anguish Nelson was enveloped in, Lee ached to be able to help, partly because he hated to see anything hurt the man he considered his best friend, but also because he felt responsible for the events that had cost the admiral dearly. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, as if he could blot the memories from his mind, his thoughts drifted anyway to the mission he had gone on to the small country of San Marco a few months ago and all its ramifications.

Word had reached Washington of the possibility that the government of San Marco had developed a biological weapon and was prepared to use it against its own people in a radical attempt at ending the fifteen-year long revolution. He'd gone ashore to determine whether the accusation was true and had been captured by soldiers of the corrupt government of San Marco, necessitating rescue by Nelson, Chip Morton and a few others from _Seaview_. When they had tried to make their escape back to _Seaview_, the admiral had been shot in the back. Feeling Nelson would never make it back to _Seaview_ alive, and knowing the information he had been sent to retrieve was of vital importance, Lee and the others had been forced to leave Nelson behind in a village in the hopes the doctor there could help him.

The admiral had recovered slowly and was shocked, then delighted, to find the woman he had fallen in love with on a mission to the same country years ago at the beginning of the revolution hadn't been killed as he had been told but was quite alive. The two had rekindled their romance, marrying in a hastily planned ceremony when Lee and others from _Seaview_ had finally tracked him down after repeated delays.

A cease fire declared by the government of San Marco had put them all at ease and their trek back to the beach and _Seaview_ was interrupted by a sniper who had not heard the news and fired on the small group. His wife of barely two days had thrown herself at Nelson when the first bullets ripped into the sand around them and had been killed, dying in his friend's arms. He still ached when he remembered the admiral's grief, so blatant and heart wrenching, as he knelt in the sand holding the body of his dead wife. Since his return to _Seaview_ and NIMR, he had worked as if on autopilot, every day much the same as the day before. The joy at new discoveries, at new research, at new projects was gone and the man seemed to sleepwalk through each day. His friends and close associates worried over the admiral's mood, wishing they could lift the cloak of sadness from him but he resisted at every attempt. Lee longed to be able help his best friend… longed to find some way of getting Nelson back to where he had been… longed to find some way to take his pain away.

Opening the sliding doors to the deck, Lee stepped out, hesitant to interrupt the man's vigil but knowing he couldn't let his friend continue to be alone in his grief.

"Admiral?" he called quietly, hesitantly. "Admiral?" he repeated when Nelson didn't respond.

Hearing the second call, Nelson turned, not surprised to see Lee standing behind him. "Oh, Lee…sorry. I didn't hear you."

"Are you…are you all right?"

Nelson lowered his head and squeezed his eyes shut at the question. He'd been asked that so often in the past few months, he had grown tired of hearing it and of his answering the same way. "Yes, Lee. I'm fine," he said with a false smile as he watched Lee come towards him, worry marking his face so much that he was forced to look away. He didn't want to see that look any more…the look that screamed pity.

"Admiral…I…I wish I had some magic words to say to take away your pain, your grief. But I don't," he said shrugging. "But, there are a whole lot people that care about you and want to help. Friends… people at the Institute…they…we…would do anything we could for you. I know we can't replace what you lost but…"

"Lee, I'm not looking for a replacement," Nelson said sadly, knowing his grief was something he alone had to deal with. "I…I just need time. Time to mourn…to stop remembering what…I…I know I haven't been easy to get along with lately and I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to apologize for. I…we all understand. As much as we can understand."

When Nelson remained silent, arms crossed, one hip leaning on the railing of the deck and his eyes fixed on the southern horizon, he stepped closer and stood beside his friend, unwilling to let him be alone.

When the silence began to wear on the young man as he watched Nelson stare out to sea, he cleared his throat and said, "I, uh…I had an idea earlier today."

"Oh?" Nelson said with little interest, his gaze still on the ocean.

"Yeah, I…well I was wondering if you were up for a sail? Just the two of us. Maybe head to one of the islands and spend some time together. Fish or swim…just get away."

Nelson tried to hide a frown as he knew what Lee was trying to do. He opened his mouth to say no but hesitated as he knew he wasn't the only one in pain from what happened in San Marco.

"I…I have that meeting with the Naval Research Lab tomorrow about…"

"It's been rescheduled for next week," Lee interrupted. "Angie says your calendar is open. We can leave tomorrow and be back Sunday."

Harry turned, staring his young friend in the eye, seeing hope mixed with something else in their depths.

"Admiral…you need to get away. It's been four months and you haven't had a break. You've been working non-stop on the project for the Navy as well as…"

"I don't want a break, Lee. I don't want to…"

"Let me help you! Please."

"You _can't_ help me, Lee. Not with what's in here," he said tapping his chest. "I wish you could. But…"

"Let me try. Just…come with me. If…if you want, we'll come right back. But…"

Nelson closed his eyes and lowered his head, trying not to see the pleading look Lee gave him but knew it was there anyway.

"All right. If it will make you happy, we'll go. Tomorrow," he said after a few minutes debate, an attempt at a smile on his face as Lee's brightened.

"Great! You don't have to do a thing. I'll get yourboat ready. All you have to do is pack your swim trunks," he said happily as he left to take care of things.

Harry watched him go with a wistful look on his face. Was he ever going to be able to smile again or would the hurt…the ache…inside him remain forever? Shaking his head, he turned back to continue his solitary perusal, feeling a twinge of guilt at his lack of interest in anything outside of work which seemed to be the only thing that kept him from screaming or railing at the unfairness of having his bride…his love…snatched from him so callously.

He'd tried to put the memories of what had happened on San Marco behind him but they returned unbidden, seemingly at every opportunity. A scent or a sound could elicit a rush of emotions that practically bowled him over in their intensity. The recollection of Maria's body…his _wife's_ body…hitting him as the bullets exploded about them was as fresh in his memory now as they had been four months ago.

The life he'd planned for them had crumbled to dust in one excruciatingly brief moment. A decision by two people, Maria's and the man that had shot her, had changed his life, his heart, his memories forever and he felt a burning anger inside him at the thought of what he had lost. He'd allowed himself to believe he could be happy. He'd allowed himself to believe he could bring Maria here, to his home and make it their home. It was as if fate had handed him a prize he had given up believing he would ever have, then snatched it back. Such arrogance to believe he could turn back the clock.

Ever since his first return from San Marco, when he'd thought Maria dead, he'd known he was destined to be alone. A confirmed bachelor, they called him, as if he'd had no desire to be married, no desire to have more than passing meaningless relationships, no desire to have a son to carry on his name or a daughter to be his treasure. The only woman that had really ever made him long for a home and family had been Maria. He'd known when he first met her that he would willingly give up all he had for her. Give up his dreams, his plans, his career as if they were nothing. But fate had other designs and they'd been separated for years until his return to San Marco a few months ago.

Finding she was alive was a shock and he'd had a hard time letting go of the hurt and anger that she'd allowed him to think her dead. He shook his head sadly as he stared out at the ocean beyond. Had those same waves touched the shores of San Marco? Did they carry a trace of the sand his beloved wife lay buried in? Wife…his wife. His heart still ached when he thought of her, of the ceremony that had been hastily planned, of the love he saw in her eyes still. How long would it last? How long would the hopelessness fill him? He knew his friends longed to be able to help but what was there to do? No words would carry the sting away. No touch would ease the pain. He was alone in a world of people. No family…no blood family…save one.

The sun began to sink slowly into the ocean, and still he stood silently staring out to sea, watching with little emotion as brilliant colors flamed outward from the setting sun to tint the sea below and the sky above with a riot of reds, purples, yellows and pinks. Sighing he lowered his head and turned away, heading inside to spend another night alone, praying sleep found him easily tonight.

~O~

The next morning dawned gray and overcast, the clouds seeming to wrap themselves about the bluff Nelson's house sat on like a blanket. A hint of coolness in the early morning air that blew in from the ocean carried with it wisps of feathery mist.

Harry Nelson stepped out on the deck he'd left several long hours ago and watched the fog roll in feeling as though the misty morning was somehow indicative of the dark thoughts he felt deep inside. He fervently wished he hadn't said yes to sailing, not only because of the unpromising start to the day, but because he longed to be alone. To sulk? To mourn? Perhaps. But he found it increasingly difficult to care what others thought. Although his work occupied his thoughts for most of the hours of the day, the nights were spent in quiet solitude, brooding about things he couldn't change. Bouts of frustration and anger at the occurrences on San Marco seemed to fill the nights and he found sleep elusive. Seemingly endless hours with nothing to do irritated him. Whereas normally he would spend the few off hours he allowed himself delving into a good book or a fascinating journal article or spend time dreaming up new projects or enjoying dinner with friends, he found he now had no desire for any of that. The only desire he had was to be left alone with his grief.

Hearing a car pull up in the driveway, he sighed and headed around the deck to the side of his house to find a smiling Lee Crane, cups of coffee in his hand sending up tantalizing aromas that called to his empty stomach.

"Admiral! I come bearing coffee! And I plan on making us a nice filling breakfast before we head down to the dock. Unless you've already eaten?"

"No, I haven't eaten," he said, frowning at the look that passed over Lee's face that said he was hoping for a different answer. Food had not been a priority of late and he knew his friends worried he was losing too much weight.

"Well, no matter. I'll whip us up some."

"Look, Lee I don't think this is the best day to go sailing," he said gesturing to the fog, feeling the chill that seemed to settle into his very bones. "Maybe…"

"Nope. You're not getting out of this. You agreed. Besides, I checked the weather and this should be burning off by the time we get to the boat," Lee said with a sad smile, a twinge filling him as he knew Nelson, a cautious sailor, hadn't checked the weather.

"Well, come on in and bring that ambrosia in your hand," he said with a false attempt at levity as he took the offered cup.

"You packed?" Lee asked as he went about making a breakfast of omelets.

"I'm as packed as I'm going to get," Nelson said as he blew on the hot coffee and took a sip, sighing in ecstasy as the brew hit his tongue.

"Good huh?" Lee asked with a smile as he broke several eggs into a bowl and began whisking them.

"You know it is," he said with a slight smile, as he took some bread and put it in the toaster. "You know you're going to make someone a good husband some…some day," Nelson said stumbling briefly over his choice of words, trying to ignore the twinge in his heart.

Trying not to notice the hesitation and pain in Nelson's voice, Lee divided the egg mixture and poured it into two pans. "Maybe," he said with a little laugh as the two worked together in companionable silence to finish making the breakfast.

"Why don't you go out on the deck and I'll bring these beautiful creations out?' Lee said when he'd filled the fluffy omelets with cheese and ham and slid them onto plates.

"Sounds good," Nelson said as he slipped the toast onto plates, grabbed his coffee and Lee's and headed outside.

Lee opened the sliding door and walked out, two steaming plates in his hand only to find Nelson, staring out to sea again. His heart broke at the lost look on his friend's face. Pasting a bright smile on his face, he called, "Breakfast is served! I hope it's as good as Cookie makes on _Seaview_!"

"I'm sure you could give Cookie a run for his money," Nelson said with a slight smile as he turned from his perusal and sat down, inhaling the heavenly aroma for a moment. "Smells like heaven."

"Just don't tell Jamie. I don't think he would approve of all the cheese I loaded it with. It's not the healthiest."

"Jamie's not here," Nelson said, his mouth full of eggs. Smiling, Lee watched Nelson consume the breakfast, feeling slightly relieved at his appetite.

"Looks like the mist is burning off," Lee said after a few minutes of silence while the two devoured the breakfast as though they hadn't seen food in a long time.

Nelson looked up, almost dejected as he saw the fog lifting into the California sky. "Yeah. It does."

"You don't have to sound so sad about it," Lee said quietly.

Nelson glanced at his breakfast companion, noticing the gloomy look on his face. "I'm sorry, Lee. Really. It's just…hard. I…I can't stop remembering."

"I don't want you to stop remembering Maria, Admiral. I want you to always have those memories. I just…I want to help take the pain away and I know I can't," Lee said as he played with the remainder of the food on his plate pushing it from side to side.

"No," Nelson said softly as he gazed at his best friend in sadness, knowing the man was trying his best to help and he was doing his best to shut him out. "I don't think anyone can. But they say time heals all wounds so…something to look forward to? Hmm?"

Lee looked up at the change in the man's tone and saw a slight smiling tugging at his lips.

"Let's get this cleaned up and get out of here. What do you say?" Nelson said, trying hard to put on a happy face for his young friend.

"Sounds good," Lee said as he watched Nelson gather up the dishes and carry them inside where he proceeded to wash them quickly.

"Well? Let's be off on this little vacation," Nelson said, grabbing his bag he'd left by the door after the dishes had been washed and put away.

The two men drove to the NIMR docks and parked. Getting out they were set upon by Chief Sharkey.

"_The Folly's_ all checked out, stocked and ready to go, Admiral!" Sharkey said, pointing over his shoulder to Nelson's sailboat that bobbed in the gentle current, happy his commanding officer and friend had been persuaded to go sailing with the Skipper.

"Thanks, Chief," Nelson said with a little smile, knowing Sharkey along with the others on the crew and a few close friends knew of what had happened on San Marco and tried to interest him in something…anything…to distract the man from his musings.

"We'll be out for a few days, Chief," Crane said with a little smile.

"Any problems, contact us immediately," Nelson said as he walked to the boat dancing in the slight waves that lapped against her hull.

"But uh, only if absolutely necessary," Crane whispered to Sharkey with a pointed look as he followed Nelson onboard.

"Ready to cast off, sir?" Crane asked Nelson after the two had stowed their bags below.

"This is your show, Captain. Take us out," Nelson said as he seated himself in the stern.

"Enjoy yourselves and don't worry about a thing!" Sharkey called as Crane headed the sailboat away from the dock and out of the harbor.

~O~

The two friends sailed throughout the morning, the fog having long since burned off leaving crystal clear skies and brilliant sunshine in its wake.

"How do you feel about anchoring and doing a little swimming or snorkeling?" Lee asked when they had been gone a few hours. "I had Sharkey put some masks and fins aboard.

"Sounds good, Lee. That sun is brutal and this area's a good spot to snorkel in."

"First off, a little lunch though," Crane said as he set the anchor and headed below before Nelson could tell him he wasn't the least bit hungry.

With a sigh, Nelson rose and followed Crane below where he found lunch was already out and spread on the table.

"Just how long was I up there?" he asked with a frown as he saw the food spread before him.

Crane laughed easily at the expression on Nelson's face. "I had this already prepared. Sharkey had everything in the refrigerator. I just put it out," he said as he pulled the plastic off a plate of sandwich meat and put it down beside a plate of cheeses and a stack of bread.

"You hungry, Lee?" he asked with a quirked eye at the amount of food before him.

Looking up into Nelson's face, he smiled at the barest hint of a grin that tugged at his lips and sighed as he perused the food before him. "Too much?"

"If Chip were here, no. But for just the two of us, maybe," he said as he sat down and made a healthy sized sandwich out of the array of food before him and proceeded to devour it.

As he watched his boss and best friend eat, hope began to fill him that he would be able to pull off what people had begun to believe wasn't possible: a return of the man they respected, admired and cared for.

The two ate in a comfortable silence, Nelson making another sandwich much to the relief of his friend who ate three.

Leaning back in the chair he sat in, Lee rubbed his stomach ruefully. "I think that last sandwich may have been too much," he groaned.

Nelson smiled slightly. "I think the sea air made us overeat. That's my story at least."

Lee turned his head and watched as Nelson pulled a napkin apart piece by piece; knowing he'd lost the man to his memories again.

"Well, how about that swim?" Lee asked as he stood, covered the plates with plastic and placed them back in the fridge.

"Sounds good, Lee," Nelson said quietly as he rose and headed topside to ready the snorkeling gear.

~O~

After the two men had snorkeled for a few hours, enjoying the brightly colored fish that swam by them, and quietly observing a few sharks swimming harmlessly by the pair, they had returned to the boat and set about catching some fish for their supper. Dinner of a freshly caught mahi mahi was enjoyed by both men and the two were settled on the deck watching the full moon cast its light on the black sea, the boat gently bobbing in the slight current of the secluded cove they'd anchored in for the night.

"This was a good idea, Lee," Nelson said quietly after a few minutes had passed.

"Glad you think so. I'm glad you came," he said softly as he watched Nelson sit with his head back watching the stars that twinkled overhead.

The silence went on for a bit until Lee said, "Admiral…I…I don't know how to help you. I've never been in love the way you were with Maria. And I don't know what it's like to lose someone, especially the way you did. But…I do know what it's like to feel you've lost someone…someone special. It hurts."

Harry remained silent continuing to watch the stars above unable to answer Lee.

"That's the way I feel every day that I look at you. I see your pain; I feel it and I can't help you. I can't make it go away. I…feel as though the man I know is gone."

Harry closed his eyes as he listened to Lee, hearing the pain in his voice. "You haven't lost me, Lee. I'm still here. Alive."

"Are you?" he asked softly. "Your joy at life, of new discoveries of your research is…well it's gone. You go through each day as if you're trying to…well, just get through it. I just want to help. I just want to…"

"You can't, Lee! No one can take the pain away so stop trying. Please," he said a little louder, a little harsher, than he had intended. "Look, I can't make you or anyone else understand what I feel. You can't understand what I've lost. And no amount of talking about it is going to change anything."

Nelson was silent for a long time and Lee was just about to head below when Nelson sighed and spoke.

"You know, for the vast majority of my life I was happy with who I was, who I had and who I didn't have in my life. I never really longed for a wife…or children. Until I met Maria. One look at her and it was as if all the possibilities I'd thought of but dismissed filled me. I saw true happiness. I saw…I saw children to carry on my name, my work. But when I thought she was gone all those years ago, I threw myself into my work and made my dreams come true: _Seaview_, NIMR. But she was always there. Always…" Nelson's voice broke and Lee's heart followed. "She was always here, in my heart and in my mind," he said tapping his chest and forehead.

"And when I was given another chance at her love, I took it with both hands. Foolishly perhaps," he whispered.

"Admiral, I…I'm sorry. I would do anything for you. You know that. If I could keep you from being hurt…"

"But you can't, Lee."

"I…I keep thinking it's my fault. If…if I had been more careful, I wouldn't have been captured. Then you wouldn't have had to come after me. You wouldn't have been shot or had your heart broken. Maria would still be alive and…"

Nelson's head shot up when he heard the confession from Lee's lips. "Lee! Never think for a second what happened was your fault!" he said urgently as he lay a soft hand on his friend's arm. "My God do you honesty think that?"

Lee sat, his hands folded staring at the deck unable to answer that yes…yes he felt the events on the island were his fault. All of it.

"Can you find one second…one action…one misstep in what you did? Can you?"

He was a long time in answering but finally he whispered, "No. I've tried. What happened…I don't know. I just wish I could take it back, do _something_ differently to keep you from being hurt. Hurt by the bullet you took in your back and hurt by the hole in your heart. If you had never gone to the village with Juan…," Unable to continue, he rose and walked to the side of the gently bobbing boat, staring out over the black sea. The night wind blew softly from the open sea ruffling his curls as he stared yet he didn't feel its gentle touch. He remembered seeing Nelson fall in San Marco, saw the blood pouring from his back and knew he was a dead man. He'd wanted to get him back to _Seaview_ but in the end he'd agreed it was best for Nelson to go with Juan, Maria's brother, to his village where he'd recovered and discovered his love hadn't been killed all those years ago as they had all thought. Instead she had been held captive by the government, escaping after months of internment, returning to find Nelson, her love, gone.

Lost in his musings, he never heard Nelson rise and walk to his side staring out at the ocean with Lee, the same breeze caressing his weathered face. "As strange as it may sound…I wouldn't take it back. I had time with the only woman I truly ever loved. I got to spend a few fleeting moments with her, moments I never thought to ever have again. I can still see her face and hear her laugh. But, in the end…it was my fault…I got her killed. And I can't change that. As much as I want it to be different, I can't," he said quietly, his voice breaking slightly. "I…I think I'm going to head to bed. It's been a long day."

Unable to find a way to respond to the man's surprising admission that he felt responsible for Maria's death, Crane could only watch as Nelson disappeared below deck, heard the gentle rustling below then silence and he closed his eyes. "How can I help him? How?" he whispered to the night. "Tell me."

A brief smile flitted over his face as he pondered the next day. Maybe his plan would work. Maybe there was hope. With a lingering look at the moon, he prayed he was right in what he had planned and went below to sleep.

~O~

Nelson awoke to the sound of sea birds crying out to the morning and he rolled over taking a pillow with him, covering his head in an effort to drown out their incessant cry. But the heavenly aroma of fresh brewed coffee assaulted his nostrils and he threw the pillow off, sat up and glanced about the cabin, surprised to find himself alone.

Stumbling to the companionway steps, he climbed them slowly blinking in the harsh early morning sun that tried to bore through his eyelids.

A cup of coffee miraculously appeared by his hand and he grabbed it, taking a healthy swallow.

"Morning, Admiral," a voice in front of him called a bit too cheerily.

Opening his eyes, he managed to make out the tall form of his friend standing by the wheel, abig smile on his face.

"Lee," he managed to croak out after another swallow of coffee. "We're underway?"

"Yep. Thought we'd get an early start on the day."

"Why?" he asked suspiciously.

"No reason. I…just felt like feeling the breeze in my hair."

"Uh huh," Nelson said, unconvinced of Lee's innocuous answer.

"There's breakfast beside you," he said, his eyes never leaving the sea before him. "I didn't want to wake you so it's only a bagel."

Nelson glanced beside him to see said bagel on a plate which he picked up and slowly chewed on, watching as the sea rushed past. The mere fact he'd slept through Lee making coffee and his hasty departure from the cove causing him some consternation. Sleep…restful sleep…had been hard to come by since his return from San Marco, so he was more than a bit surprised to discover he'd slept the night, and then some, through.

Feeling a bit more human after he'd downed the bagel and drained the rest of the coffee in his cup, he walked to Lee's side. "Are we going anywhere in particular?" he asked.

"No. Why?" Lee asked with a slight smile.

"We seem to be making good time. Almost as though we have plans."

Lee shrugged nonchalantly. "No plans. Just felt like a good day to see what kind of speed we can get out of _The Folly_."

"Uh huh," Nelson said staring in doubt at his companion. "Well I'm going to go below and get dressed for the day.

~O~

The morning passed quickly as the two men sailed, stopping to snorkel over a particular area of interest to Nelson. Crane was happy to see a bit of interest in the surroundings envelop Nelson and he began to think maybe his plan would work.

After an early lunch, Lee turned to Nelson who was manning the wheel effortlessly and said, "How about we head to Catalina for the night? Maybe eat at a real restaurant with someone else cooking?"

"Why? You have a problem with my cooking?" Nelson asked, frowning slightly.

"No, I just thought a nice juicy steak sounds good."

Nelson smirked as he watched the hopeful expression on Crane's face. "Perhaps you should have thought to pack something other than sandwiches and bagels."

"Next time, I will. But as for now…?" he asked holding his breath as he looked hopefully at Nelson.

Nelson shook his head and smiled slightly. "As for now…we'll head to Catalina. Any spot in particular?"

"As a matter of fact I know a great spot. Here, let me take the wheel," he said eagerly.

Nelson gave up control of his sailboat to Lee and settled himself in a seat watching with more interest than he thought possible at the sea, smiling when he spotted a pod of dolphins off the bow. Walking forward, he settled himself on his stomach and watched intrigued as they rode the bow waves. Listening closely he managed to make out their clicks and whistles and smiled in amusement.

From the stern, Lee watched Nelson with a grin. To his relief, the inquisitive nature of the man began to emerge more and more. The time spent snorkeling yesterday had allowed Nelson to exhibit his mentor mentality as he had named the various species of fish they had seen as well as pointing out several sharks that had managed to elude Crane's sight. He was glad he'd thought to get him to go sailing. He only hoped the rest of his plan worked as well.

Not long after, Nelson spotted the island in the distance. "We made good time. You must be in a hurry for that steak."

"I must be," Lee agreed with a smile.

Lee steered them toward a small fairly secluded cove that was occupied by people apparently celebrating something. Banners and balloons decorated a pavilion that seemed filled with food and people. Puffs of smoke from fires dotted the beach they were headed for.

"Uh, Lee I think we're crashing someone's party," he said gesturing to people that had begun to walk towards the boat. "I think we should find some other place. Besides, all the restaurants are on the other side of the island."

"We don't need a restaurant, Admiral. And we aren't crashing the party. The party…well…it's for you, sir," Lee said hesitantly. "A real New England clam bake."

Nelson turned quickly to stare Crane in the face. "A New England…What do you mean it's for me?" he asked in a deadly quiet tone, causing Lee to think perhaps it hadn't been the excellent idea he'd thought it was.

"The party is for you. It's…well it's your birthday today and we…I…thought maybe a party was a good idea," he said softly his voice dropping lower and lower as he saw the dark look on Nelson's face.

"You thought…why would you think…I…" Unable to complete a sentence he turned back to the people standing on the shore smiling and waving and he lowered his head. "My birthday. I'd forgotten."

"It's…well it's your 50th. Kind of a big deal. I thought we should celebrate," Lee said softly as he came to stand by Nelson, placing a hand on his shoulder and squeezing gently. "So did they."

Looking up into Lee's uncertain face, he tried hard to be mad but found he didn't have the strength or desire for it and he turned his gaze to the people onshore who had stopped waving and were staring in unease at the two. Sighing he shook his head and said quietly. "I guess we shouldn't keep them waiting then, should we?"

Lee looked down into Nelson's face that bore just a trace of a smile and grinned. "No sir. We shouldn't."

The two men made their way onshore and Nelson was immediately surrounded by old navy buddies, associates, fellow marine biologists, employees, his crew and one very anxious little sister who stayed hesitantly on the periphery of the group surrounding her brother.

She watched in concern as he smiled broadly, shook hands, accepted best wishes from his guests and genuinely appeared to be at ease. But she knew he wasn't. The tightness to his lips, the frown just below the surface of his craggy, handsome face, told her he was pretending and her heart broke into a thousand pieces. She'd thought he just needed time. From the moment he'd come back from San Marco, she'd seen a side of her brother she'd never thought to see: a broken, depressed shell of the man he'd been. Time hadn't eased the miserable look on his face. Time hadn't taken his pain away. Time hadn't mellowed his memories.

Gradually the crowd melted away to find food or walk along the beach and Harry turned his eyes to his sister who stared at him in trepidation. Walking to him slowly, she wrapped him in a tight embrace and whispered, "Lee thought it was a good idea. So did I. Please don't be mad."

Nelson pushed his sister away from him slightly to look her in the eye, brushing an errant strand of auburn hair from her face. "How can I be mad? You and Lee…everyone here…just…well, you just show me how much of a pain I've been."

"That's not true! Harry, I understand what you're going through. You know I do. I may be the only here that understands. When I lost Ben…I thought I would never live again. Or love. The first part was wrong. I did live again and found joy in life. The second…well I'm still waiting for that love to find me again. Just as you should be."

Harry stared down into his sister's upturned face, frowning at the sheen of tears in her eyes. It had been over ten years since Ben Amherst, Edith's fiancé, had been killed in a car accident. He remembered with sorrow the fact he had been on an ONI mission when it had happened and had been unable to return until after the funeral.

"I hope love finds you again, Edie. I really do. And I know you understand. Or think you do. But our situations are different."

"How? They're both…both gone."

"Ben died in an accident. Maria…she died because of me. And that is something I will never, ever be able to forget or get over."

"You should try, _mi hermano_," a deep voice behind him said.

Turning quickly he saw Juan DeVega, Maria's brother, standing there, sadness enveloping his face. "Juan! How? Where did you come from?"

"I came from San Marco," he said with a smile as he stepped closer to Nelson and was immediately enveloped in a huge hug.

Pulling away, Nelson stared into the face of his brother-in-law, seeing traces of Maria written on his weathered face. "I…I can't believe you're here."

"Lee was very persuasive. He even sent the Flying Sub to pick me and Raul up and brought us here," he said with a smile, naming Maria's nephew and surrogate son.

"Raul? He's here?" he asked looking about quickly for the young man.

"Of course! Would he miss a chance to come back to America?"

"Where is he?"

"I suspect he and Sharkey are together. They formed a bond after all the time they spent recuperating together after they were both shot trying to get back to _Seaview_ with the information for your government."

"I…I'm glad you're here," Nelson said softly when he couldn't find Raul or Sharkey in the throng of people, his eyes not quite meeting Juan's.

"So am I. Come! I hear this is a…New England clambake?' he said, looking hesitantly at Edith who smiled and nodded. "I have never been to one."

"Well, let's get you set up with some food then," Nelson said as he wrapped his arm about his brother-in-law and dragged him to a fire where heavenly scents were being emitted.

~O~

The afternoon passed quickly as the vast array of food disappeared. People played games on the wide beach or sat in groups watching the others. Nelson spent much of his time talking to people he hadn't seen in years, most of whom had not heard of the events that had occurred on San Marco. Nelson had preferred to keep what had happened between close friends such as Admiral Jiggs Starke, who was presently twirling one of his grand kids in a circle, and a few other associates and fellow naval officers. The crew and many of his employees knew of Nelson's loss but all respected the man's privacy and had kept it to themselves.

The sun was still an hour or so away from setting and the party still went on. Many of the crew had decided to spend the night on the vast beach while others planned on spending it in tents that dotted the hill above the beach. A few had decided to call it a day, wished Nelson well and had headed to their boats and had sailed back to the mainland or had headed for the main harbor and the marina there.

Noticing he was alone for the first time in hours, Nelson looked about at the people that had gathered to celebrate his birthday, to him a day like any other, and smiled ruefully. Laughter reached his ears and he watched as Kowalski and Riley along with other members of the crew grabbed Raul and enlisted him in playing a spirited game of volleyball, teaching him quickly the gist of the game. Further up the beach, Angie and a few of the secretaries were sunning themselves in what was left of the day's light. Lee and Chip stood side by side a few yards away talking, their concerned gazes not on him for once.

Feeling an overwhelming urge to slip away, he walked down the beach away from the revelers and found a large rock situated out of sight of the party and seated himself on it, losing himself almost immediately in his thoughts and memories as the waves gently lapped on the shore.

As hard as he tried, and granted it wasn't very hard, he could not get the pictures out of his mind of Maria's lifeless body in his arms, the feel of her warm blood oozing over his arms, or the realization she was gone. He sat alone as he watched the sun sink lower and lower, knowing he should go back but not having the strength to do it.

"You should be with your friends, _mi hermano_. They worry about you."

Nelson lowered his head as he heard Juan's words. "I don't want them to worry about me. I never asked them to worry about me."

"Ah, but they do. And why is that? Eh? Because they care about you," Juan said seating himself by Nelson's side, frowning when Nelson looked away from him.

"What is it, Harry? Why will you not look at me? You think I did not notice? All day, you smile your fake smile and talk as you used to but your eyes, they never meet mine. Why? Have I done…?"

"How can you look at me?" Nelson asked in an anguished voice. "How can you look at me as if…as if I didn't get your sister killed?"

Juan flinched as if Nelson had hit him. "You…you did not get her killed! How can you think…?"

"I couldn't protect her!" Nelson said, his voice filled with loathing and torment. "I should have been able to do that! Why couldn't I? She…she died because of me! I never should have allowed myself the luxury of thinking I could love her and keep her safe! If I hadn't thought to bring her here…to marry her…she would still be alive!"

"Harry! You are not to blame!" he said as he grabbed hold of Nelson and forced him to look at him. "If you think I blame you or Raul or any of the villagers think it was your fault, you are wrong! The only ones to blame are those who perpetuated a war that cost many their lives. Not just…not just my sister's, but so many others. You know this. You lived with us. Death was never far from us."

"I know that, Juan. But it should have been me that died, not her. She…"

"Harry, she chose to step in front of that bullet! She chose to save you! Her choice! Why? Because she loved you! From the moment she laid eyes on you, she loved you."

"And I got her killed."

"No! You did not get her killed! _She_ made the choice!"

Juan watched in sadness as the man he thought of as his brother shook his head slowly. He desperately tried to think of something to say to the man who sat beside him, the man whose heart was broken, the man who was consumed by guilt.

"My sister gave you a gift of life, Harry and you are wasting it. She loved you enough to die for you! Can you not love her enough to live?" he asked, his voice breaking slightly. "Don't make her gift be in vain. Remember who and what you are. Not this shell of a man that stumbles through each day finding no joy in anything and just tries to get from point A to point B!"

"I don't know how," Nelson said so softly and with such torment Juan barely heard. "I don't know how to stop. I can't forget her!"

"I'm not asking you to forget. You lost her once before when you thought the government troops had killed her. How did you get through that?"

"I…I don't know."

"Yes you do. You had your dreams, your work."

"My dreams are gone," Nelson said harshly.

"No they are not, _mi hermano_. Your work is still there waiting for you to remember what drives you, to remember what is important. The difference is this time you have people by your side ready to take on the world, to stand with you. You have people that love you. You know it is true," he finished softly.

Nelson closed his eyes and tried hard to not give in to the grief that threatened to tear from him. He'd tried so hard over the past months to keep the grief inside, to not let anyone see, but Juan's words, delivered in a voice so much like Maria's, were like a knife in his heart. He knew Juan's words were true. He _was_ wasting the life Maria had given him, wasting the chance to continue on with his work. He knew it but had no clue how to step beyond the pain and live again.

"I don't know how to be the man I was, Juan. I can't remember who he was."

"Then listen for her voice," he said softly as he put his arm about his brother. "Hear it on the ocean breeze, hear it in the silence that fills the night, hear it in the call of a seabird winging its way homeward. She is always there by your side. She will tell you, remind you of the man you were. And someday you'll hear her say it's time to let her go and love again."

"No…no I won't," he whispered harshly. "I'll never love again because I'll never look for it."

"Never say never _mi hermano_," he said as he squeezed Nelson's shoulder tightly and shook him. "Sometimes we find what we did not look for, just as you did not look for Maria's love, yet found it anyway. Someday you may find love again. Someday when you aren't looking for it."

Silence met Juan's words but he thought he saw a thoughtful look on Harry's face instead of the self-loathing one. Sighing he looked to the sky and said, "It is getting late. The sun is about to set."

Nelson looked up to see the sun's rays coloring the ocean and sighed.

"You should come back to your party. And to your friends."

"I…I will. In a minute," he said as he felt Juan's hand leave his shoulder and watched him trudge back to the party.

He closed his eyes and listened hard, hoping to hear her sweet voice but only felt a gentle caress of the wind on his cheek. Raising a hand to it, he let it linger for a moment, a small smile tugging at his lips. With a deep sigh, he rose and walked slowly back to the gathered group, some who watched him with worried expressions.

"Admiral! You're just in time, sir! Here!"

Nelson looked to the young man by his side and smiled as Kowalski stood before him a glass of champagne in his hand. "In time?"

"For the toast, sir! And for the sunset! It's going to be beautiful."

He was about to ask what toast when he saw Lee stride towards him, Chip following behind closely. Stopping in front of him, he smiled hesitantly then turned to the gathered crowd and raised his glass high. "To Admiral Nelson! May he live to celebrate 50 more birthdays and may we be there by his side for all of them!"

"To Admiral Nelson!"

Dipping his head, Harry raised his glass, acknowledging the others and drank down the contents. "Thank you all! I…thank you for coming to this party I knew nothing about," he said with a smile after the well wishing had died down. "And I thank all of you for…for being my friends and standing by me when…when I pushed you away."

Glancing to Lee who stood on one side of him then to Chip who stood on the other, he nodded at each briefly. "To my crew and my employees, I can never tell you how much your dedication…your work…means to me. No matter what I may say or do," he said with a little smile. "And now, to the beautiful sunset."

The party goers acknowledged Nelson's words and turned their attention to the sun as it set in the ocean, brilliant flares of color painting the sky and sea in a riot of hues.

Nelson watched the sun set, knowing Lee's eyes were on him and he closed his for a brief moment, listening hard for her voice, smiling as he felt a feathery soft breath on his cheek again. Then with a start he heard a whisper in his ear: "_Te amaré por siempre y un día__, mi amor_." He gasped as he heard the words from their wedding ceremony echo in his mind and he felt his heart constrict.

"I will love you forever and a day also, Maria," he whispered as tears flowed down his cheeks unmindful of Lee's concerned gaze.

"_Be happy, mi amor. Live. For me. Please."_

"Admiral? Are you all right?" Lee asked, concern in his voice as he watched the emotions roll over Nelson's face, unsure of what to do for the man that stood at his side.

Nelson stood for a time, eyes closed, listening as if he could hold her there with him a bit longer, then looked up at Lee, seeing his worried face. "I will be, Lee. I think…I think I will be," he said softly. "Someday soon. I will be."

The End

"A man stays alive as long as he is remembered. He is killed only by forgetfulness."

~Said by Richard Basehart in his movie, "Decision Before Dawn".

We will never forget.


End file.
